


Transit and Exit

by Missy_dee811



Category: Iron Man (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Betrayal, Civil War: The Confession (Marvel), Confessions, Director of SHIELD Tony Stark, Epistolary, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Iron Man: Director of SHIELD, M/M, Post-Betrayal, Post-Civil War (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25476205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811
Summary: After reading the one he left him, Tony writes a letter to Steve.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 17
Kudos: 42
Collections: Team Angst, The SteveTony Games





	Transit and Exit

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Tránsito y salida](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25563298) by [Missy_dee811](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811)



> The title is from Emilio Villa's [Poetry is](https://poets.org/poem/poetry-0).

~~Dear Steve,~~

~~Steve,~~

~~Cap,~~

I’ve started this letter so, so many times. Everything… It hurts. ~~I miss you. I miss talking to you. I’m trying to adjust, but I just… I can’t, Steve. I can’t.~~

I’m indisposed, and I thought you should know. Maria had evidence, and I couldn’t contradict. I should’ve deleted the video when I had a chance. And yes, I delete videos. Don’t be so surprised. For what it’s worth, I didn’t. Not this time. I was too busy having a breakdown, too busy seeing people who aren’t there.

Why can’t you just leave me alone?

In hindsight, I could’ve fired her for overstepping her bounds. In the end, it wouldn’t have accomplished anything. She would’ve stormed in with that shrink I’m beginning to hate. He ambushed me anyway. Told me I needed to take some time off. I needed to decompress.

_As if._

I sliced my hand punching a mirror because I hate seeing young men die. Was I always such a basket case? Or, is it because you’re dead?

Don’t answer. Dead men can’t talk.

I’m writing to a man who’s dead, who couldn't stand to look at me anymore. I watched you bleed. Called you a sore loser and then watched you bleed. I can smell your blood. After being in that room, it’s all I could smell for weeks on end.

It wasn’t worth it. I know that now.

Since you died, I haven’t accomplished anything. The clock stopped ticking, I stopped sleeping, and everyone stopped pretending they wanted me around. Sharon slapped me across the face because… It doesn’t matter why. I haven’t seen her since.

I read the stupid letter you left me. _Steve_. Why the hell couldn’t you say anything before? Why’d I have to read it in a letter? Hope the shield gives him purpose.

Don’t we all need a purpose?

Damn bastard almost killed me. If he had, would I be seeing you again? Would you even want to see me?

I see you out of the corner of my eye. All the time. The first time… The first time I thought you were trying to kill me. It would be within your right. You should’ve beat me to a pulp when I asked. I _did_ ask. I always do, and you always ignore me.

I feel such despair. We’re on a high-speed cruise ship and there’s an iceberg up ahead. We’re going to crash, I just know. I just know it. And when we do, there won’t be room for me on the raft.

I’ll probably burn this letter. I can’t leave incriminating evidence lying around. I just don’t trust anyone at SHIELD, not that anyone trusts me. It’s exhausting. I avoid sleeping whenever possible, but you’ve stopped haunting my nightmares.

Eyes wide open, I feel you staring. I feel you breathing down my neck. You know, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to be by my side.

In a way, you are. You are by my side, but it’s not the way I wanted it. Not the way I thought it would be.

I should’ve been honest with you. In the beginning, before things got out of hand. Would you have listened? Did you listen?

No, no.

You were already so sure. That night in Yankee Stadium… What was the point? I contacted you the only way I knew I could. The only way I knew wasn’t being monitored because _I_ was monitoring everything. Fucking hell, Steve, you must’ve known that!

You must’ve known had I wanted to catch you I could’ve done so at any time. Everything you know about this world, I taught you. Maybe not, but it felt that way. It felt that way when you pushed an EMP into my palm and disabled my suit.

You think I’m such a liar. And yeah, maybe I am, but you’re a sore loser and now you’re dead.

I couldn’t speak at your funeral. I tried. Sam took over. He gave a great speech. I watched it on the news a few days later. I couldn’t listen to a word he said that day. It was too raw. Carol asked me if I remembered the day, the day we found you.

How could I ever forget? It was the best day of my life.

It started to rain, and well, when it rains, it pours. Fuck Arlington. We buried you in the Arctic, right where we found you. Where you belong.

I wish I could erase it all, all these memories I have of you. I would do it, one by one. If you mean nothing, your ghost will stop haunting me. That’s how this works, right?

Yours,

Tony

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on [Tumblr](https://viudanegraaa.tumblr.com/).


End file.
